Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
