This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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