My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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