I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
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Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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