A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
