this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
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Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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