A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
