im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
