my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
