Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
