You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
