Redeem this text for a blowjob
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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