I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He shit in the fireplace
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