I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
