hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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