there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
