I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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