dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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