The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
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I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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