My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
