He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
