I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
