Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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