I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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