you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
