...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
