best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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