My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
