Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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