The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
