what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
