I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
