The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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