My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
