M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
