Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
