The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
