she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I could make wine with my vomit
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
