Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
