so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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