I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
