Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
