It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
