i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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