where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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