as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
