K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need water and some morals
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
