I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
