Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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