I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
