so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
