Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
