His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
