my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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