I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
