So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
